Whatever Happened to Slappy Squirrel?
by Masked Bard
Summary: Slappy Squirrel is a Toon in the wrong century, despising modern animation and wanting no part of it. But when Warner Bros. executives try to force her to star in a new computer animated show called "Baby Animaniacs", she flees, getting lost in modern 2010's Toon Town. Warner Bros. hires Betty Valiant, grand-daughter of the famous detective, to track her down. But should she?
1. Chapter 1

**Whatever Happened to Slappy Squirrel?**

 **1**

"Coming this summer from Skyworks Studios…he's brash. Cocky. Smug. He's Chaz the Fox."

"Well, I don't like to brag…" said Chaz the computer-animated fox, as he leaned against a tree filing his claws, stopping to look at the camera with an arrogant half-smirk and a raised eyebrow.

"He's been hunted by wolves. Hounds. Humans. And none of them ever stood a chance, until now."

Cue an evil poacher with a rifle, laughing maniacally, until interrupted by a fart. He looks around nervously, and points to his dog, "It was him!"

"Chaz is out to save the forest…with style."

The screen fills with forest creatures dancing to "Who Let the Dogs Out", obviously taken from the film's dance party finale.

"Join Chaz on an adventure filled with excitement. Romance. And gratuitous toilet humor."

The scene turns to a skunk coming out of an outhouse, "Do not. Go in there. Phew!"

" _Outfoxed_! Coming to a theater near you."

"Ooh ooh! Can we go see it Aunt Slappy?" the excited little brown squirrel boy asked, as he sat watching TV with his beloved aunt, a curmudgeonly gray squirrel who looked sickened by the trailer she'd just sat through.

"Ehhh what's all dis 'we' stuff? I think I'd rather go sit in a Jacuzzi made by Judge Doom," she replied, sipping on a can of prune juice.

"Aww but you never take me to the movies anymore," Skippy complained.

"Because they're all da same now. Trust me, ya seen one Skyworks movie ya seen 'em all. And now Disney's doin' da same stuff. Skyworks started the whole "cocky protagonist and plot filled with pop-culture references and toilet humor" shtick to get away from what Disney was doin', and now Disney's selling out and doin' the same thing just to make a buck, making a complete mockery of everything it once stood for in the process. Ehh I tell ya Skippy, cartoons are enterin' another dark age. It's like the sixties all over again."

"But they're getting better now," Skippy argued, " _Frozen_ was good, wasn't it? And _How to Train Your Dragon_? Come on Aunt Slappy, we can't just keep watching seventy year old cartoons forever."

"Again with da 'we' stuff. I sure can. Look, I know you're young, impressionable, tolerant of things that lack quality, and able to enjoy these cookie-cutter two hour advertisements cooked up by a bunch of guys in suits lookin' at line graphs because you don't know any better, but one day you'll wise up."

"So I guess you're gonna just sit here, watch old film reels from the 1940's and collect checks from Animaniacs DVD sales."

"That's all us 2D toons are good for these days," she said, sipping more prune juice, "Unless ya wanna get yerself digitized and look like somethin' a five year old drew with an extra-thick black marker that is."

Skippy shook his head and sighed, getting up and heading back upstairs to his room. Hanging out with his aunt had become more and more depressing since the apparent demise of traditional animation. It was as if she'd lost all hope. She'd always lived in the past before of course, but now it was as if she were in the wrong century, and wanted to get back to her own time. Skippy worried about her, and also himself. What kind of a future did he have now? He could probably get some kind of job in Toon Town when he graduated school, but it didn't look like he'd be starring in his own cartoons. Not unless he got himself digitized, turned into a computer-animated toon, a process Slappy likened to selling one's soul to the devil. Besides, he liked his thin lines, furry features and shading. He didn't want to be given a simpler character model. Maybe traditional animation would make a comeback someday. But, Slappy didn't seem to think so.

Sick of the television, Slappy got up, stretched, and headed for the door to look at her mailbox. She was expecting another check from Warner Bros. soon.

"Hmm, bills, bills, life insurance ads…" Slappy tossed the envelopes over her shoulder, "Ahhh here's what I'm lookin' for."

The envelope had the Warner Bros. emblem on the front. She opened it. But inside was not a check. She unfolded the paper.

"Slappy Squirrel - Please report to our offices at the soonest possible convenience. We wish to inform you of an exciting opportunity, blah blah blah," Slappy gave an aside glance, "Huh, wonder if dis means they want me ta film one of them promo ads for the reruns or somethin'. Well a little extra dough wouldn't hurt."

She turned to walk up the stairs.

"Hey Skippy," she called out, "Says they want me back at the studio or somthin' here, you wanna come with or stay here?"

"We're going to the Real World?" he asked, "I wanna go!"

"I'll dig up our passports."

Slappy rummaged through her purse, finding their passports quite easily (stashed between a large mallet and a powder keg) as Skippy hopped down the stairs. Slappy opened the door to the tree she lived in, located a park in Old Toon Town.

"After your meeting can we go somewhere fun Aunt Slappy?" Skippy asked, "Like Disneyland?"

"Suppose we could, after hours. I wouldn't mind playing bridge with Daisy Duck and Minnie again sometime," Slappy remarked as they walked out of the park toward the sidewalk, "We'll see though, it's a school night."

"Yay!"

The two squirrels exited Slappy's home, a tree in a park, and made their way down the path to the street. Old Toon Town was as hectic as ever; cars swerved down the streets, buildings with faces on them swayed to the background music. Popeye and Bluto were on the other side of the street beating the daylights out of one another as Olive Oyl watched haplessly, while the Roadrunner zipped down the street being pursued by Wile E. Coyote wearing some kind of a jetpack on his back. A typical scene. Slappy stuck her thumb out, and immediately a taxi swerved to a stop in front of her.

"Well if it ain't Slappy Squirrel!"

"Hey Benny," said Slappy, opening the passenger seat of the sentient taxi cab, as Skippy hopped in the back, "I'm goin' ta Warner Bros. Studios."

"Been a while since I took ya out to the Real World. You gettin' back into the short subject business?"

"I don't know, it's probably just some kinda promo. You know how it is these days for us old timers."

Benny took off down the street, "Yeah, Ink and Paint is the new Black and White. You been to the Black and White section of Toon Town lately? It's depressing. Looks like the poverty is starting to spread too."

They zoomed out of Toon Town proper and into a sunny and colorful meadow, best known as where the Silly Symphonies short "Flowers and Trees" was filmed. Skippy looked on with a big smile, singing along to the tune "Smile Darn Ya Smile" as Slappy wanted to gag herself.

"Makes me remember my pre-slapstick days. Yech," Slappy remarked.

They eventually reached the tunnel to the so-called Real World. The tunnel was dark, and bleak, a contrast to where they'd just been.

"Up here is about as far as I can take you," said Benny as they reached the end of the tunnel.

"We'll be back in a few hours," said Slappy.

"Just stick your thumb out and I'll be right over," said Benny.

At the end of the tunnel was a booth with armed guards in front of two heavy duty double-doors. It was akin to going through an airport terminal.

"Passports please," asked the guard at the booth.

Slappy and Skippy provided their passports, and the guard looked at them.

"Alright, Slappy and Skippy Squirrel, what is your business?"

"We got a summons from Warner Bros." said Slappy, showing them the envelope.

"Very well then, Ms. Squirrel, see to it that you and your child stay out of trouble."

"Nephew," Skippy corrected him.

The guard ignored them, and the two of them stepped out of the car. Slappy went to place her bag on the conveyor belt to be scanned. The machine gave a loud beep.

"Why don't you just hold onto it until I get back," Slappy suggested, knowing that they'd be there for hours confiscating her dynamite, missiles, bombs, and other weapons.

"Very well Ms. Squirrel," the guard said, used to doing this for the older toons.

The workers pushed the doors open, and outside a van from Warner Bros. was waiting.

"A long time ago toons could come and go as they pleased, huh?" Skippy asked as they walked toward the car.

"Yeah, back in the day," Slappy explained as they opened the door, "Things were simpler back then. But there were too many bad incidents. And nowadays you don't want some super-powered villain causing trouble in the Real World. You shoulda been around back in '85 when Skeletor tried breaking through, ranting about stopping Christmas or somesuch."

They got into the van. It had tinted windows, to prevent anyone from seeing the cargo within. Skippy kept his face pressed to the window, eyeing the scenery of the Real World. Slappy was more disinterested. It was more interesting for Real Worlders to visit Toon Town than the other way around.

The drive to Warner Bros. Studios was short. They passed through the security gate, and the vehicle parked in front of the famous water tower. Slappy and Skippy exited the vehicle. Skippy looked up at the water tower, which had been tightly welded shut since 1999. He knew the Warner Siblings were in there, locked away. Were they bored or lonely in there?

"Ehh, depressing ain't it?"

Skippy turned, and his eyes widened, seeing none other than Bugs Bunny, munching on a carrot inside a rabbit hole in the parking lot.

"Bugs Bunny!" Skippy exclaimed.

"Ah, hey Bugs," Slappy said as she stared at him for a moment.

Bugs didn't look the same since his newest show, _The New Looney Tunes Show_ , forced him to become digitized. His lines were thick, his fur had a slight purple tint.

"What've they gotcha doin'?" Bugs asked Slappy.

"They won't tell me," said Slappy, "Wonder if Animaniacs is bein' shown in reruns again."

"Who knows, maybe they wanna put your old shorts on DVD finally," said Bugs.

"Ha, that'd be the day. What are you in for?" Slappy asked.

"They're gonna do another new show with me," said Bugs, "They're thinkin' of calling it _Wabbit_. I'm pretty enthusiastic about it; I didn't like the premise of my last show, dis one seems like it'll be more like my old shorts."

"What's with Hollywood's obsession with one word titles these days?" Slappy asked.

"As long as I don't hafta be a baby in dis one," Bugs cringed.

"Any movies comin' up for ya?"

Bugs' eyes darted back and forth, "They're talkin' about doin'… _Space Jam 2_ …"

Slappy gasped, "Ya mean another Michael Jordon biopic with Looney Tunes thrown in as an afterthought? You poor thing."

She gave Bugs a hug, who began crying on her shoulder. Skippy looked on in bewilderment.

"It was just supposed ta be a shoe commoicial!" Bugs bellowed, sobbing.

"There there Bugsy," Slappy said after they broke their embrace, handing him a handkerchief, which he blew into, leaving it soaked, "They gonna at least give you another new look?"

"I asked them for one," said Bugs, wiping his eyes, "I'm kinda gettin' tired of dis one. How 'bout you? Gonna update your look?"

"Over my dead body," Slappy spat, "I'm too old to be getting remodeled, or digitized…"

"Ehh, it ain't so bad," said Bugs, suddenly calm again, "Once ya get it done the next remodels are a lot easier. No erasers. Ya just step into a computer."

"I don't care," Slappy said firmly.

"Ah, an old-fashioned Toon, stickin', to your principles," Bugs remarked, munching on his carrot, "Most Toons in your position would be thrilled da studio remembers you exist. Of course, Toons like me are almost envious of da ones studios forget about."

"I don't hafta sell out to get by," said Slappy.

"Have it your way, doc, but rememba, it ain't really up to you…"

"I know, I know. Say, it's been nice talkin' Bugsy, but I got places to be," said Slappy, taking Skippy's arm and choosing to cut the conversation short, "I'll see ya around, eh?"

"Eh, sure thing doc, see ya in Albuquerque," said Bugs, diving back into his hole.

"You're friends with Bugs Bunny?" Skippy asked as they walked towards the office building.

"Dunno about friends, but I've known him since he was first startin' out in the business. I kinda feel for him ya know, his career's been nothin' but a mess since the 60's."

"Can't he just say he doesn't want to star in bad movies or shows?" Skippy asked.

"Nope, he's under contract, like he said, it's not up to us Toons," Slappy sighed, as they entered the building, and made their way to an elevator. When they emerged, they walked down a blank white hallway, toward a door at the end.

"I think they make these hallways foreboding on purpose," Slappy remarked.

They entered the room. It was a round table, with executives seated all around in suits and ties.

"Welcome, Slappy Squirrel," said the executive at the front of the room, a balding man in glasses named Rodney Jefferson, "I see you brought your nephew too, that's perfect. Please, be seated."

"Alright then," Slappy said, "So what may I ask is this all about?"

"Well, we here at Warner Bros. have been searching our back catalog for our more unused properties, and we think you might be just what this generation of kids wants to see Ms. Squirrel!"

"Well, I can agree with you on that," Slappy said, "Cartoons these days ain't violent enough. They're for sissies."

"Right, anyway, our charts show that the newest generation of kids want the kind of madcap humor your old shorts provide, but their _parents_ don't want cartoons with bad behavior their children might emulate."

"Things haven't changed much since the 90's then," Slappy quipped, "Parents afraid their kids will start blowing their enemies up with a stick of dynamite eh? Of course I got away with it anyway."

Mr. Jefferson ignored what Slappy was saying, "And adults in the 20-35 year age range are big buyers of 90's nostalgia. People in this age range are having kids. Parents want their children to grow up watching the same cartoons that they did. Animaniacs DVD's have been selling great. So, following our charts and graphs, we decided the best way to please both parents and children is to bring back the Animaniacs characters in a brand new show, with a twist."

"Uh oh….a twist?" Slappy knew this wouldn't be good.

"Yes, a twist! We're going to modernize you! After the success of shows over the years like _Muppet Babies_ , _Rugrats_ and _Baby Looney Tunes_ , we know just how to do it. We'll bring you back…as babies! We'll call the show _Baby Animaniacs_!"

Slappy clutched her chest as if she were having a heart attack.

"And to modernize you, you're going to be rendered in CG. It will be a computer-animated cartoon. It's time to get to the 21st century, Ms. Squirrel! You're going to be digitized. We haven't told the Warner siblings or Pinky and the Brain yet but we're sure they'll be thrilled!"

"You're gonna turn me into…a computer animated baby…."

"That's right! Isn't it great?"

Skippy looked on at Slappy as she hyperventilated, her heart literally beating out of her chest in a cartoony fashion, "Are you…alright Aunt Slappy?"

"And don't forget, you're under a lifetime contract, Ms. Squirrel, "said Mr. Jefferson, his voice turning more sinister, "You cannot refuse."

The room of executives stared at Slappy, whose face was turning red, steam coming out of her ears.

"Like Hell I can't!" Slappy shouted, grabbing Skippy by the arm and darting through the window, leaving a perfect outline of herself and Skippy through the glass instead of shattering it.

"Get me security!" Mr. Jefferson shouted.

Slappy landed on her feet and kept running, with Skippy in tow, Slappy running so fast Skippy's feet weren't touching the ground. Security guards began running toward them.

"What are we going to do?" Skippy shouted.

"Whatever we've got to, kid!"

Slappy's eyes darted around, until they settled on the hole Bugs Bunny left in front of the water tower.

"Aha…thanks Bugsy!"

She didn't know where it would lead, but she dove in with Skippy, narrowly losing the security guards behind.


	2. Chapter 2

"Your first job!" came the excited voice over the phone, "Betty, that's fantastic!"

"I know, I know," Betty sighed, leaning back in her chair in the old Los Angeles office of Valiant and Valiant, "I guess there's no going back now. I work for Toons."

"Your gramps would be proud of you if he were still here," her father said, "You're continuing the family business."

"Wish I could have met him," said Betty.

"So what's the case?"

"Slappy Squirrel's gone missing. You heard of her?"

"Slappy Squirrel…" she could almost hear her father thinking. His mind had become like a Toon encyclopedia over the years, "Ah, old Maroon Cartoons star who got purchased by Warner Bros. after Marvin Acme died. She was on that _Animaniacs_ show a few years back right?"

"More like twenty years ago dad. I used to watch that when I was a little girl remember?"

"Twenty years seems like just a few years ago when you get to be my age," her father chuckled, "Well you better go find her. Old lady like that should be safe at home."

Betty pursed her lips, but chose not to elaborate on the case any further.

"Look Betty, I know you weren't thrilled about inheriting the family business. I think you would have been a great cop. I'm sorry we couldn't pay off your student loans…"

"You've apologized a million times, dad. I'm over it."

"I know, but I'm still sorry. This job won't make your rich, and it probably won't get you hired onto the law force in the long run, but I think the more you do it, the more you'll enjoy it. Happiness is more important than money."

"They're never going to take me seriously after this," Betty lamented, "Once you've worked for Toons, that's it. No law enforcement agency in the world will hire me on now."

"On the bright side, you don't have a lot of competition in the field. Valiant and Valiant is still the only game in town when it comes to this stuff."

"I guess so. Look, they want me down at the police station in thirty minutes, I guess they're questioning a suspect. I'll talk to you later."

They said their good-byes, and Betty hung up her cell phone, putting it in her pocket as she eyed the antique phone on the desk. Things hadn't changed much in this office since the 1940's, except maybe the addition of a computer and some new pictures on the walls. The walls were adorned with old pictures of Eddie Valiant and his brother Teddy; his wife Dolores with their baby son Freddy, and then Freddy holding his baby daughter Betty. Rhyming names was a thing in their family; just like cartoon character names. In both of the newer pictures on the wall was the old family friend Roger Rabbit, a proud godfather, beaming. Newspaper clippings were framed on the wall as well; "Valiant Clears Boris and Natasha of Soviet Espionage Charges"; "Valiant Rescues Trixie and Dixie From Hungry Feline". The headlines stopped after the 1960's, when Toon Town was sealed off, and the press became quiet about Toon news, and Eddie Valiant himself retired. His obituary hung in the office, from 1972, and next to it, an article about his son taking over the business.

But Freddy's exploits remained unreported. Nothing on the time he prevented Shredder and Krang from invading Los Angeles with the Technodrome, for example. Eventually, even he got too old for the gig, much to his wife June's relief. When Betty was young they'd often fight over how Freddy was endangering himself in Toon Town, was rarely home, and how his job barely made enough money to pay the rent each month. Now that Toon Town was shut off, he was only called in to do the jobs that involved Toons and their interactions in the Real World. There was a reason Valiant and Valiant became the only detective agency specializing in Toons. Betty still remembered how they'd often resort to getting food for free from churches, shopping at thrift stores for clothes, and other undignified cost-cutting measures it took to still be able to afford living in Los Angeles. This was why Betty had wanted to do something different with her life. She was 27 years old, she wanted to finally be financially independent and live on her own now that she was done with college. But instead, she was stuck. Stuck because she just couldn't cut it in the police academy.

Betty got up, putting an old fedora hat on over her red hair, and fastening a belt around her trenchcoat. She hadn't told her father the real nature of this case; he probably would be less than thrilled. Slappy Squirrel wasn't just lost; she'd escaped, breaching her contract because of some sort of disagreement with the studio. Betty was just playing fetch for a greedy corporation. Perhaps her father and grandfather wouldn't have been proud of her for taking this case, but business was business. Maybe, just maybe, she'd impress someone higher up if she did this job well. Maybe she'd start making enough money to afford to live on her own, and pay off her loans. Maybe the job experience on her resume could help her get a real job. She could become a real police officer, and work on real cases involving real human beings, like she'd wanted.

That is, if anyone would take her seriously after this…which she doubted. Nope, she'd be stuck working for Toons for the rest of her life, and being dirt poor too, paying for a criminology degree that had gotten her nowhere. Irritably, she exited the door.

* * *

Bugs Bunny looked relaxed as he sat in the interrogation room, leaning back in his chair with his feet on the table. A police officer tossed a box onto the table. Curiously, Bugs opened it.

"Donuts? _Donuts_?! I don't eat donuts! Ain't ya never watched _any_ of my cartoons? What a couple of maroons."

"Listen rabbit," said the officer, "I'm not gonna go down to the super market and buy you a bag of carrots. You want your carrots so bad, answer our questions and we'll let you go."

"You can't hold me without a warrant forever," Bugs said, pulling out a book from out of nowhere, titled 'How to Multiply'.

Bugs looked at the book, and blushed, "Wrong book."

He instead took another book out, a book on Criminal Law, opening it, "See? Says right here. What's my crime?"

"Stealing an intellectual property," came the voice of Jefferson, as he entered the room, and got in Bugs' face "A copyright violation."

"How can one intellectual property steal anotha?" Bugs asked, "I'm no lawyer doc, but I think you'll have a tough time makin' the charge stick."

Jefferson thought for a moment, giving an angry stare at Bugs, who kissed his nose. Jefferson wiped his nose and scowled, exiting the room again. As he did, he saw Betty Valiant walking down the hall of the police station.

"Ah, Ms. Valiant. I'm Rodney Jefferson, Chief Executive of Warner Bros.' animation unit. I know you're new, but given your family's reputation, I thought you were the woman for the job. Please, step this way."

Betty entered the room behind the two-way mirror with him.

"Thank you, Mr. Jefferson," she said, looking through the glass at Bugs Bunny, "So, we have our first suspect then?"

"That rabbit just won't talk," Jefferson said irritably, "It's nothing but smart-ass replies with him. He knows he's too valuable to be fired, he doesn't respond to any of our threats. We can't keep him here much longer without probable cause. We know he dug the tunnel that Slappy escaped through; though that may not technically be a crime."

"Think he did it to help Slappy escape?"

"As a matter of fact we do," Jefferson replied, "Slappy was smart enough to fill the tunnel up as she went, we're still searching for the other side. But we know it led into Toon Town."

"So I take it you're sending me there?"

"Yes we are, as soon as you've gathered what you can from this rabbit; if he decides to talk."

It was a big job for someone just starting out, but Betty knew why she'd been chosen; not only because of her family name, but because she worked for cheap, and no other detective in the state would want to take a case that involved them going into Toon Town. It was dangerous. You could end up with an anvil on your head, or worse.

"Will I have help?" she asked.

"You'll report to the Mayor of Toon Town, who'll assign you a guide and body guard," Jefferson replied, "The Toon Patrol is on it too, you'll be working in conjunction with them as well. The studio has spared no expense. We need this squirrel."

"Or else _Baby Animaniacs_ won't happen," She mused, "How tragic."

Jefferson was not amused.

"Be grateful we've hired a kid like you. Now get in there and do your job."

She promptly turned and left the room, entering the interrogation room. The two police officers looked like they'd just about had it trying to drill Bugs for information.

"Who's the broad, eh?" Bugs asked, taking a carrot from what appeared to be a fur pocket on his thigh and munching on it.

"Betty Valiant, Private Eye," she replied, sitting across the table from him.

"Valiant? As in…Valiant and Valiant?" Bugs blinked.

"Eddie's grand-daughter," she said, "Look, it would be easier for us both if you just told me what you know about Slappy Squirrel. Where that tunnel led, and where she might have gone. Even if you deliberately helped her escape, I doubt your consequences would be very dire."

Bugs frowned, "Why da noive. You want me ta rat on Slappy, so you can catch her and have her undergo somethin' she don't wanna undergo. And you call yourself a Valiant."

His words stung. But she persisted.

"This isn't 1947 anymore. I have to take what job I can get," she replied, "Besides, you yourself are a flash cartoon now; being CG isn't so bad is it? Seems to me that Slappy is just being stubborn."

"Eddie Valiant fought for the rights of us Toons, even when his heart wasn't in it," said Bugs, "I don't mind bein' digitized but Slappy should have da right ta stay a 2D ink-and-paint Toon if she wants to. And I should have more creative control ova my own projects. _Space Jam 2_ , ha! I'd almost rather be in a _Loonatics Unleashed_ reboot."

Bugs slapped his hand over his mouth, looking at the two-way mirror.

"Don't tell them I mentioned dat," he whispered, "It might give 'em ideas…"

"You did sign those studio contracts that gave them so much power over you," Betty said, "I know you couldn't have predicted the advent of computers or TV shows in 1940 or whatever, but both you and Slappy should have known what you were getting yourselves into."

"Real chip off da old block you are, eh? Does your dad know about dis?"

"This isn't about me, or my dad," said Betty.

Bugs munched on his carrot some more.

"Alright doc, I wanna get outta here, so I'll tell ya all that I'm gonna tell ya. And dat's it. Slappy and I weren't dat close, but she opened my eyes to somethin' today. We Toons from da Golden Age are nothin' betta than slaves. Yeah we signed those contracts, but dat's what you had ta do ta get anywhere in them days. It ain't fair. We should have had them renegotiated at some point in da last 70 years. No flesh-and-blood human actor has ta put up with dis. We should have control over our lives. And dats why I dug dat tunnel for her. So at least one of us from them days can be free. I didn't wanna see another vintage Toon go through the kinds of things the Looney Tunes gang, Tom and Jerry or Mickey Mouse and his pals go through."

"So you did dig the tunnel for her on purpose."

"Ehhh, sure did. And it don't lead ta Albuquerque either. You'll have betta luck findin' Carmen Sandiego and Waldo."

"We'll see about that," said Betty, scribbling notes in a notebook, "Anything else?"

"As Porky Pig would say, 'That's all, folks'! Now get outta here kid, ya bother me."

"Very well then," Betty said, getting up.

"You know, you won't last one day in Toon Town before ya quit da case," Bugs remarked.

"You think I'll give up? I can handle Toon Town, I'm not afraid."

"No, dats not it. I think yer conscience will kick in. By the way, say hi to Roger for me when you get there, will ya? You will visit him right? I think he knows Slappy."

Betty stared at Bugs for a few moments, before turning and leaving


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

The winged superhero-turned-lawyer Harvey Birdman sat behind his desk, wearing a business suit over his costume, dictating a letter to his bird Avenger as it typed on a typewriter with its feet.

"So in conclusion, while the plastic industry is certainly responsible for producing the garbage that is polluting our oceans with plastic, I'm not sure they can be held responsible when a sentient shark that talks like Curly Howard knowingly ingests a large amount of it, as they aren't the ones who put it there, and you should have known better. My apologies, Mr. Jabberjaw, but I don't think I can take the case."

"Mr. Birdman, there's a client to see you, a Ms. Squirrel," came the voice of his secretary on the intercom.

"Send her in."

Slappy Squirrel entered Harvey Birdman's office, dressed in a long coat and sunglasses, with Skippy at her side.

"Hey Harv, how's business?"

"Slappy Squirrel? Well well, what brings you to this side of town?"

"I'm in trouble," she replied, taking her disguise off and stashing it in a spare purse she'd grabbed from home, "I was wondering if you could build a strong case for me against Warner Bros."

"Hmm…sounds challenging. Have a seat."

Slappy and Skippy sat in two chairs across from his desk, as Slappy put her contract down on the desk.

"They're tryin' to force me to become a computer animated baby for this terrible new _Animaniacs_ reboot, and I need out of this contract somehow. I don't want to be digitized, and I sure don't want to be made into a baby."

"Those reboots are just getting worse and worse these days aren't they," said Harvey, taking a look at the contract, flipping through the pages, "Hmm…ah, I've seen these sorts of contracts before, from the old days. They tend to be pretty iron clad, unfortunately."

"Caw caw," Avenger added.

"Too true, my friend. It's like they own her very soul."

"My rights were purchased in 1947 from Maroon Cartoons," Slappy said, "But the studio didn't use me in anything until 46 years later."

Harvey read the fine print as he listened, "Hm, quite a substantial gap. We could have another _Calvin and Hobbes_ type of situation on our hands, where anyone can use your likeness and not be sued because Warner never used it themselves for merchandising, before 1993 that is. That might give you enough leverage to get out of this contract. Are you sure they specifically want _you_ in the role?"

"What do you mean?" Slappy asked.

"They could just create an entirely new Toon and give it your name. You know how each incarnation of the Ninja Turtles are separate individuals, for instance. They even had a crossover together."

"I love Ninja Turtles!" Skippy chimed in.

"Ugh, someone shoot me," Slappy said, "Anyways, I see what you mean. But it sure seemed like they were bent on getting me personally to star in the project and get all digitized and turned into a baby. You know, like they did to the Looney Tunes. I don't think I'd even want to have some alternate CG baby version of me crawling around anyway. I want nothing to do with the project."

"They do own your name and likeness so if they wanted to do that they could, but like I said, maybe I can find some sort of legal loophole. I'll have to check up on this for you and see how solid their copyright claims are on you. I have to warn you though, the Teen Titans came to me with a similar complaint when Warner wanted them to do _Teen Titans Go!_ a little while back, and I wasn't able to help them."

"Ooh, I like that show too," Skippy said cheerfully.

Slappy gave a disappointed aside glance, before turning back to Harvey, "You think they'd keep it a secret from me and still try to profit from me if I'd become public domain?"

"As is common knowledge, Disney has kept Mickey's first couple of cartoons under copyright through brute force in the courts when really legally they should be public domain; but then again, those are cartoons, not characters themselves. At most it could just be your shorts at Maroon Cartoons that are public domain."

"How long do ya think this research will take?"

"It could be a while," he said, "Copyright law is low, spooky voodoo."

"Caw caw caw-caw caw," Avenger added.

"Indeed. This is going to be quite the uphill battle. It could take weeks."

"I don't have weeks, the studio is probably going to send someone out to get me and drag me back there. I need to make my nephew and I scarce."

"I suppose you could stay with a friend or something and hide out. Toon Town's a big place. I'll keep in touch."

"Thanks Harv, I owe you one," Slappy said, before looking at him, "You know, you remind me of a very young Space Ghost."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"Come on Skippy," she said, taking Skippy's hand, "Time to call in some favors with some old friends."

* * *

Betty was escorted to the tunnel to Toon Town by her new employer; the officers on duty there inspected her suitcase, and she was given weapons for her own self-protection while in Toon Town; a professionally-made gun that squirted Dip, a mixture that could erase ink-and-pain Toons from existence, and a newer weapon; a remote control device, which resembled a garage opener that could fit on a key chain.

"This is for the newer Toons," the officer said as he handed it to her, "Allows you to delete them like the computer files that they are."

She pressed the button on it out of curiosity, and a holographic trash bin appeared in front of her, along with an arrow cursor, projected from the device.

"You just click on the offending Toon, drag them toward the recycle bin, and release," said the officer, "It won't kill them, just contain them; unless you empty the recycle bin. Then, they're deleted, just like being Dipped."

"Got it," she said, examining the device, "So it's like a computer mouse."

"Exactly. You don't know what you'll face in there, so best to be prepared. This isn't your grandpa's Toon Town"

"I'll only use them if my life is in danger," she said, switching it off.

"I'll let you know of any developments made in the case on this side," said Jefferson, "We'll be opening the water tower soon, maybe the Warner siblings will have some information."

Betty smirked, knowing full well that they were stalling on releasing the Warners, maybe at least until Slappy was captured. They were perhaps the most out-of-control Toons in existence. She doubted the _Baby Animaniacs_ concept would go over well when they were informed of it. But, maybe she'd be hired to clean that impending mess up next.

"I'll be seeing you," she said, as she turned, and walked through the security checkpoint at the tunnel.

On the other side of the security gate, a vehicle awaited Betty that would take her to her next destination; to the mayor of Toon Town. The vehicle was purple, with spikes jutting out of the tires, a fin on top, and rockets at the back; on the side was written Mean Machine Taxi. The driver stepped out, accompanied by a green bipedal cartoon dog.

"Miss Valiant is it?" the mustached man asked.

"Ah, Dick Dastardly," Betty remarked, "And Muttley too. You two are taxi drivers now?"

"No need to rub it in," Dick Dastardly griped, as his dog let out a wheezing chuckle, "Just get in."

Betty got into the back seat, strapping herself in.

"Warner Bros. hired me to get you there quickly and safely; if any other car tries to go after us, of course we'll be ready."

"Got it," said Betty, as Dastardly pressed the gas pedal and the car sped off, almost giving her whiplash.

They exited the tunnel at full speed, into the colorful fields of dancing trees and frolicking forest creatures, with the song "Smile Darn Ya Smile" in the background. The inner-child in Betty, who was often suppressed, seemed to come alive again in her, and she smiled as she looked out the window.

"So how did the last election for mayor in Toon Town turn out?" Betty asked, as the elections had happened recently.

"Scrooge McDuck bought the election again, like he has every election since 1988," Dick Dastardly remarked, "I have to admire his villainous, cheating tactics."

"So that's who you're taking me to see."

Betty had known through her father that Scrooge had been in charge of Toon Town since then, but news from Toon Town was slow to reach the outside world and she'd been unaware of any new developments.

They reached downtown Toontown very suddenly. Dastardly swerved to the right to avoid crashing into another car, causing Betty's face to press against the window. She had to cartoonishly peel it away from the glass; her first taste of the cartoon physics that ruled here.

"So what happened to your racing career anyway?" Betty ventured to ask.

Muttley gave another wheezy chuckle, as Dastardly bonked him on the head, causing him to grumble irritably.

"I still race, but I have to make a living too. As you probably know, my win/loss record isn't exactly spectacular."

Muttley started to chuckle again, but stopped when Dick Dastardly shot him an angry look.

"You might do better if you cheated less often," said Betty.

"Oh what do you know? If I didn't cheat, my chances of winning would drop even lower!"

Soon enough they arrived at the mayor's office, a tall imposing government building. Betty exited the car.

"Best of luck dealing with Scrooge," Dastardly remarked.

"Good luck on your next race," Betty said.

Muttley chuckled again, knowing that they'd likely lose.

With that the Mean Machine sped off, and Betty entered the building. She walked up to the secretary desk.

"Like, what do you want?" asked the female duck at the desk, who was busy reading a magazine.

Betty stared at her for a moment, sure she remembered the duck from somewhere. The duck had blonde hair (ducks with hair; only in Toon Town), a pink shirt and bow, and when Betty leaned over the desk she could see the duck was levitating while sitting in the lotus position. She smiled, knowing who it was now.

"You're from Acme Looniversity aren't you? Shirley the Loon?"

The duck looked up with a raised eyebrow, "Like, not that it's any of your business or some junk, but yeah, I like, graduated back in 1995. And it's McLoon. So are you going to, like, answer my question, or do I have to read your palm and find out?"

"I'm here to see Mr. McDuck. I think you'll find he's expecting me."

"Oh alright," she pressed a button on the intercom, "Like, Scrooge McDuck, there's like, a real world person here to see you or some junk."

"Aye, send her in," came the Scottish accent of Scrooge.

"Go on in then," Shirley said, filing her non-existent nails.

Betty nodded, and climbed up the long flight of stairs to the mayor's office, entering the door.

"I've been expecting you," said Scrooge, "Please, be seated."

The mayor's office was large and grandiose. Portraits on the walls of the office showed large dollar signs. Scrooge's desk was covered in tall piles of gold coins, which he continuously added to and counted. Betty looked around as she was seated.

"So, you're here lookin' fer a missing Toon, aye?"

"Yes that's right, Slappy Squirrel. She ran out on her studio and violated her contract."

"I heard the story from Jefferson," said Scrooge, "Ah can't help but sympathize with the lass, but rules are rules. Part of me job as mayor is helping to correct these little mix ups. The rest of the time ah have to protect me money from thieves."

"How much power does the mayor of the entire Toon Universe have anyway?" she asked.

"Bah, me control only goes so far. Central Toon Town, Duckburg, St. Canard, Townsville, different versions of Toon New York, a few other areas and districts. Basically, only the Toons that are aware that they're Toons are under me jurisdiction and recognize me authority. But we've been trying to expand. I send ambassadors to the other areas, try to get them to pay their taxes. But the Toon Universe is so huge it's near impossible to have a central government. If Slappy's escaped to any of the outer areas, you're gonna need a lot of help. The further ya get from Downtown Toon Town, the more treacherous it can be. That's why I'm giving you a pilot ta transport you around and be your body guard. By air is the safest way to travel."

"A pilot?" Betty had a feeling she knew who it would be.

Scrooge pressed a buzzer on his desk, and the door opened.

"You rang Mr. McDee?"

"This is Launchpad McQuack," Scrooge explained, as Betty turned around. She remembered who Launchpad was; he wasn't known so much for his aviating skills as for his ability to crash every single landing. She was tempted to let out a groan. The muscular, big-beaked duck (or pelican?) wore an aviators outfit, and walked toward the desk.

"Wow, a real worlder," Launchpad remarked upon seeing Betty, "You don't see that every day. Well, in Toon Town I mean."

"Launchpad, you're to take this woman anywhere she needs to go, and protect her from harm," Scrooge said, "And remember our agreed wages."

"A penny per mile Mr. McDee, like always."

"Aye. I'll throw in a dime for every time you have to save her from something too."

"Wow, a dime! You're too generous Mr. McDee!"

"Hmm…maybe you're right. How about a nickel?"

"Sounds great! Even better!"

Betty shook her head and rubbed her temples. She hoped she'd never have to rely on the dim-witted Launchpad to protect her from anything. She'd probably be doomed if it ever came to that.

"Didn't Warner Bros. pay you to hire me a body guard AND someone for transportation?" Betty asked.

"Well, pardon the expression, but ah thought it'd be better to kill two birds with one stone. And Launchpad's good for both those things. He can take a safe to the head and be fine a minute later. Best of all, he works for me second favorite price; next to nothing."

"And you just kept the rest of the money that was supposed to be for my two guides?"

"Well…yes. What's it matter ta you anyway? Yer still gettin' paid full price for catching the squirrel."

"I guess it's none of my business," Betty shrugged, getting up from her chair. Launchpad was still smiling, blissfully ignorant of how he was being taken advantage of by Scrooge, "Come on Launchpad, I need to do a little research in the Toon archives on Slappy Squirrel so I can figure out where she might have gone."

"Think we should get a dog to help us? They love chasing squirrels."

"I would worry about the safety of the dog in this case," Betty answered.

"Well how about some nets? Ooh I know, we'll buy a bunch of acorns and put them under a box propped up with a stick! Then we'll nab her when she knocks the stick down!"

"You haven't watched very many episodes of Looney Tunes have you?"

"Hm, is that some new genre of music the kids are listening to these days? Looney tunes? It's got to be better than dubstep at least."

"I'd be better off with Elmer Fudd as my assistant," Betty muttered as they exited the door.


	4. Chapter 4

Betty and Launchpad walked down the street, Launchpad standing guard and ready to protect her in case there was any danger.

"So your name's Betty Valiant. Mind if I call you Ms. Vee?"

"If you feel you must," Betty answered, "So you know which way the Toon Patrol building is?"

"Just down this street, I think," said Launchpad.

"You think?"

"Well, yeah, I think. At least I think that I think…I think."

"It sounds like something you should practice more," Betty remarked.

"Yeah, that's what Mr. McDee says. And DW too, now that you mention it."

"That reminds me, do you still hang around with Darkwing Duck?"

"Well when there's something for him to do. I gotta make money though, so I take odd jobs from Mr. McDee from time to time as well. I sorta go back and forth."

"Interesting that Scrooge rules Toon Town. I'd expect Mickey Mouse or someone like that."

"Mickey's too busy for politics," said Launchpad, "Though he's been mayor before."

"Hm, yes, he has that new CG toddler show to work on," Betty said, remembering having to suffer through an episode once while babysitting her neighbor's kid, "Yech. I wonder if _Baby Animaniacs_ is supposed to be like that."

"You mean _Mickey Mouse Clubhouse_? I don't know, I find it kinda entertaining."

Betty chose not to remark on that.

"So uh, who are we looking for anyway?" Launchpad asked, "A squirrel, named Slappy right?"

"Scrooge didn't tell you? Ugh, well, we're looking for a former Toon star Slappy Squirrel. She ran out on her contract. When we get to the Toon Patrol archives I'll fill you in more."

"Huh, I wonder why I've never heard of her."

"Outside of _Animaniacs_ she's not well known," Betty said, "I take it you didn't watch many cartoons that weren't on the Disney Afternoon block."

Finally they came to an enormously tall building, one which stretched to the clouds. It was the Toon Patrol headquarters. As Betty knew, after the Judge Doom fiasco the Toon Patrol was reorganized from the ground up, and now consisted of a conglomeration of elite Toon police officers rather than sleazy weasels. It was something like the FBI or Interpol for Toons.

Entering the building, the first floor looked like a typical police station. She could recognize some of the officers from shows they'd been on. She saw Ralph T. Guard filing some papers as well. He'd been the guard for the Warner Bros. studio lot for years, including the years that the Warner siblings broke loose. Evidently there was no intelligence exam to enter the force, she noted, wishing it had been so easy to join the police in the real world.

There was already a big-headed kid at the front desk hassling a police officer there, who Betty recognized as Officer Dibble, having apparently graduated from dealing with Top Cat and his gang.

"You have to let me see the case files!" he yelled, "Please! If I can just look up Zim's profile I can prove to everyone that he's an alien!"

"Sorry, you have to have special clearance to see the archives." said Dibble, escorting him out.

"Nooo!"

Betty looked on as Dibble dragged the boy outside, and Launchpad shrugged, before she walked up to the front desk and another, robotic officer took Dibble's place.

"I am Rex-1. My mission is to serve and protect."

Betty could swear she recognized it from somewhere, until finally remembering him from an old episode of Ninja Turtles. Being in Toon Town was kind of a nostalgia trip, she thought.

"Betty Valiant. I'm here to see Slappy Squirrel's case file."

"Slappy Squirrel…" the orange bobcat at another desk behind the robot repeated, bitterness in his voice.

"Yes, you probably heard she's wanted?"

"Oh yes. I've heard," he said angrily, "I happen to be working that case too. I volunteered for it. That squirrel and I have a long history. Back when I was making shorts she criticized me for using a stunt double during the risky takes, and kept dropping anvils on my head or hurling dynamite at me between cuts so that I could 'build character'. Then in the 90's she made fun of my cop show when it was on. Said it rotted kids' brains out. After that my ratings went down, and it got cancelled after 65 episodes"

Betty stifled a grin, remembering that particular episode of _Animaniacs_ , and realizing who she was speaking to. She'd never been a fan of _Bonkers_ ; she knew the show was loosely based on the life and exploits of her grandfather and Roger Rabbit. When she was little Betty angrily wished they'd have just given Roger Rabbit a show instead, and filmed it in the real world. For whatever reason, they didn't. But as Betty understood it, Roger's copyright dispute issues were what prevented his getting a show of his own. And Toons were only allowed into the real world under special conditions; filming an entire series would be seen as too risky.

"Oh, hey, it's Bonkers," Launchpad remarked, "Long time no see."

"Likewise, Launchpad. So eh, you're Betty Valiant. Looks like I'll finally get to work with a Valiant for real."

"Yeah, looks like it," Betty sighed, "Simply as a means to an end of course."

"Well you'll be doing the private eye investigative stuff, and when you find something, I'll have officers on standby to arrest her. I've got every cop in town looking out for her, and I've been contacting every police chief and deputy I can get ahold of, from Gotham to Springfield."

"Springfield huh?"

"Yeah, their citizens aren't aware that they're Toons, all but a few of the people in charge."

"Hm, I see."

"Just follow me," Bonkers said as he let Betty and Launchpad through, leading them toward a back room.

"You know, lots of good shows only got 65 episodes," said Launchpad, "Just look at _Rescue Rangers_ , _Goof Troop..._ "

"Says the guy who starred in TWO shows, one of them that actually got renewed after 65!"

"Are you sure it's Slappy's fault your show didn't do so well?" Betty ventured to ask, "Or are you just looking for someone else to blame? I think she was just voicing a popular opinion."

"Very funny, Valiant. I think she was part of it. And I'm finally going to put her in her place! Just come on."

He led them into the archive room, filled with shelves upon shelves of file cabinets. "Her file's in the S cabinet," said Bonkers, "Happy reading."

Betty walked down past the different file cabinets, counting down the alphabet until coming to S. She opened it; the drawer suddenly slid out and Betty had to dodge being hit by it. It reached out to the end of the room, well past what should have physically been able to fit inside the cabinet.

"Well, alright…" Betty said, looking through the folders, "At least they're alphabetical."

It turned out there were a lot of Toons made since the 1910's with names that started with S. After skimming past Steelbeak, Steven Universe, Stimpy, Stitch, and Smart-Ass Weasel, finally she found a folder labeled Slappy Squirrel. She opened it. Inside was a little profile of her, with some pictures. She read it, as Launchpad looked over her shoulder.

* * *

 **Toon Town Case File – Last Update 10/11/2012**

 **Full Name:** Samantha "Slappy" Squirrel

 **Nicknames/Alias:** Sammy Squirrel **,** Slappy the Slap-Happy Squirrel

 **Date of Birth:** April 1st, 1925

 **Place of Birth:** Toon New York

 **Current Residence:** A tree in a park in Old Toon Town

 **Apparent Age** (not true age) **:** 80

 **Current Appearance:** A gray, elderly female squirrel with white muzzle, chest, belly, and a white stripe on the underside of her tail. She has green eyes, and is often seen wearing a small green hat with a daisy in it.

 **Criminal Record (if any):** None

 **Current Occupation:** Retired actress, but still under a lifetime contract with Warner Bros.

 **Known Past Occupation(s):**

Cartoon Actress at Disney, MGM, Maroon Cartoons and Warner Bros (active from 1937 to 1947; 1993 to 1999).

Model for Playtoon Magazine between 1946-59

 **Family:**

Skippy Squirrel (nephew)

 **Noted Friends and Acquaintances:**

Woody Woodpecker

Daisy Duck

Minnie Mouse

Penelope Pussycat

Petunia Pig

Bugs Bunny

The Warner Siblings

Red Hot Riding Hood

Droopy

Vina Waleen

Spongebob Squarepants

Jessica Rabbit

Roger Rabbit

 **Enemies:**

Walter Wolf

Sid the Squid

Beanie the Brain-Dead Bison

Daniel Boone

Suzie Squirrel

Candie Chipmunk

Bonkers T. Bobcat

 **Biography:**

Samantha Squirrel began her film career at a young age, moving to Hollywood with big aspirations. Like many toons of her era she got her start as an extra in the cutesy cartoons of the 1930's, playing an innocent, adorable little squirrel in installments of Walt Disney's _Silly Symphonies_ and Harmon and Ising's _Happy Harmonies_ at MGM. She was also an extra in _Bambi_ , her only feature film role until the 1990's. At this early point in her career she was known as Sammy Squirrel, but was uncredited in her appearances. It was in 1944 that her career reached a turning point.

After two years of unemployment, director Tex Avery contacted Sammy Squirrel and offered her a starring role in her very own short at MGM. Thrilled, she agreed, not knowing that the true plan was for the supposedly saccharine short to be hijacked by the madcap Screwy Squirrel for his debut cartoon _Screwball Squirrel_. Avery had deceived Sammy in order to make the acting more realistic. During the opening scene, Sammy met Screwy Squirrel and excitedly told him what the short was to be about, only to be led behind a tree and bludgeoned severely. This was to happen again in the short's finale. Screwy and his co-star Meathead had given Sammy such a severe beating that she had to be hospitalized. She spent weeks in a coma, and when she finally awoke, she was a changed squirrel.

From then on she only took roles in slapstick comedies, changed her name to Slappy and had herself redrawn to look more cartoonish and attractive. Training herself in comedic acting, she confronted Screwy Squirrel a few months later, originally intending to smash him with a large mallet. He beat her to it, but being more resilient since being redrawn, Slappy smashed him back. The two then got to talking and became fast friends. This eventually evolved into a relationship. In November 1944 she was hired by Maroon Cartoons to star in her own cartoon series, as "Slappy the Slap-Happy Squirrel", reaching the pinnacle of her career, becoming the first female Toon to star in her own shorts since Betty Boop. Her career, however, took a sharp downturn when her then-fiancé Screwy Squirrel died in a mishap on the set of his final short _Lonesome Lenny_ in February of 1946. Distraught, Slappy fell into a deep depression, becoming bitter and curmudgeonly when the cameras were off, and notoriously hard to work with, making real-life enemies of the actors playing the antagonists in her shorts. She would never fall in love again.

The situation worsened the next year, when upon the death of R.K. Maroon in 1947, Maroon Cartoon Studios filed for bankruptcy and was jointly purchased by Disney and Warner Bros. Warner Bros. inherited Slappy Squirrel's lifetime contract and assumed copyright of her name and likeness. Slappy's cartoon series was never continued under the Looney Tunes name, and she fell into obscurity. She was able to fall back on her modeling career during this time (a job fellow Maroon Cartoon actress Jessica Rabbit helped her land), regularly posing for the risqué Playtoon magazine, and starring in advertisements. In 1949, she assumed legal guardianship of her young nephew Skippy Squirrel.

Slappy was more or less retired by the fall of the Golden Age of Animation in the late 1950's, and quietly resided in a hollowed-out tree at a park in Old Toon Town until 1992, when Warner Bros. called her up and asked her to star in her own shorts in the television show _Animaniacs_. The shorts centered on her then-current life as an elderly retired actress living with her nephew Skippy, who had now also signed a contract under Warner Bros. She starred in over 30 shorts and segments between 1993 and 1998, and starred in the film _Wakko's Wish_ in 1999. In 1996, Slappy suffered a mental breakdown after watching too much daytime television which left her in a catatonic state for several weeks, and nearly resulted in Skippy being put in foster care, but managed to make a full recovery. Many were still concerned with the state of her sanity after this incident, however. With the cancellation of _Animaniacs,_ she again returned to retirement.

* * *

"Geez, kind of a sad story huh?" Launchpad asked as they both finished reading.

"This is stuff I never knew about Slappy," Betty remarked, "Her and Screwy Squirrel? I guess it makes sense."

"So I guess we just go down the list of her associates, ask them questions and stuff huh?"

It worried Betty to see Roger and Jessica Rabbit on Slappy's list of friends. Slappy did work for Maroon Cartoons, so it made sense she knew them…but she had a feeling she'd need to face them before this was over. What would they say about her trying to capture their friend? Betty knew she still had to do her job. Quitting the job because of sentimentality would be a terrible way to start her career, such as it was.

"We'll need to track down both friends and enemies of hers, and see if they know anything."

"You might want to start at the Wild Take Lounge," came the voice of Bonkers from the doorway, "Ritzy little members-only joint, co-owned by Red Hot Riding Hood and Jessica Rabbit. Word has it Slappy is a regular there, and good friends with the owners. For all we know they could be harboring her there."

"A members-only lounge? How are we supposed to get in?"

"Just tell them who you are, they'll let you in," said Bonkers, "The bouncer will probably ask you some questions, but he'll let you through. You might have to sit through a few shows before Red's free to talk."

Betty nodded, "Alright, just give me the address and we'll be on our way."

"Right this way," Bonkers said as he led them out of the room, "If you need any more of those profiles, you've got free access to them."

"I think this one will be the most important one," said Betty.

They walked to Bonkers' desk and he handed Betty a business card for the Wild Take Lounge, which featured a humorous picture of a wolf with his eyes popping out of his head and his tongue flopping out of his mouth. Classy, Betty thought. She put it in her pocket.

"That squirrel may be old but she's crafty," said Bonkers, "If you even get the slightest hint that she's there, call me. Better to have Toon officers deal with her than a real worlder. You could get hurt."

"Understood," Betty said, "Well Launchpad, let's go. Luckily we don't need a plane yet."

"I'll point you in the direction of the lounge," said Bonkers, walking out with them.

As soon as they stepped out the door however, a black cat wearing a green derby pranced across their path, to the background tune of "Comin' Thro' the Rye". He then leaned against the wall and gave an insidious grin. Bonkers and Launchpad gasped.

"Wha…what?" Betty asked, looking around.

There came a whistling sound from above, like a missile being dropped.

"Betty, get out of the way!" Launchpad yelled, pushing her away.

Bonkers panicked and shoved Launchpad aside, beneath a shadow, before running through the door, and then, a refrigerator fell on Launchpad's head. The cat dashed away, and Betty darted to the refrigerator, opening it. Launchpad was inside, dazed and with a pink lump on his head. He spit out a stalk of celery.

"Anyone get the number of that jumbo jet?" he asked.

"Oh no, come on let's get you out of there," Betty said, taking his hand and leading him out of the smashed refrigerator.

"Is it clear?" Bonkers asked, peering through the door.

"What was that all about?" Betty asked, "And why did you push Launchpad into that falling refrigerator?!"

"I-I didn't mean to," said Bonkers, "I panicked, I just uh…don't like taking hits like that. My stunt double wasn't around to take it for me."

Betty scoffed in annoyance.

"Anyway, I know that Toon," Bonkers continued, "He runs his own business, the Black Cat Bad Luck Company. He crosses your path, and you get bad luck. But he only does it for hire…so somebody must have put him up to it."

"It must have been Slappy," Betty said.

"She's sending us a message," said Bonkers, stroking his chin, "We got to remember, a Toon as old as her has a lot of connections in this town…friends in high places."

"So she must know about me already," Betty said, "Unless of course that bad luck was meant for you."

"It probably was meant for me," Bonkers said irritably, "Well she'll be sorry for messing with a Toon Patrol officer."

"How are you feeling, Launchpad?"

"Like I just got hit in the head with a 500 pound refrigerator," he moaned, wincing as he touched the bump on his head, "And a little bit hungry…"

He reached into the refrigerator and took out a sandwich, eating it.

"Sounds like you'll be okay," said Betty, "Scrooge owes you a dime for that…er, I mean a nickel, I guess."

"Anyway, the Lounge is that way," Bonkers said, pointing left, "Turn on Main Street and just follow it down a ways. You won't miss it."

"Should I try to track down that cat?" Betty asked, "He obviously must know something about Slappy."

"If you were a Toon I'd say yes," Bonkers answered, "But that guy's dangerous. I'll put him on the wanted list. Let the Toon Patrol handle him."

"Alright," said Betty, "Ready to go Launchpad?"

"Yeah, okay," he said, finishing his snack, "I just hope that's the last time I have to get hit by a refrigerator on this trip. Though, at least I got a nice snack out of it. It's better than being hit with an anvil or a safe."

Betty chuckled a little putting her hands in her coat pocket and walking down the street as Launchpad stumbled after her.


	5. Chapter 5

The building of the Wild Take Lounge was a silly sight at first. The building had two eyes protruding from it, mounted on springs, while the entrance resembled a mouth with a red carpet tongue.

"So this is what passes as classy in Toon Town," Betty remarked.

"I've never been to this place," said Launchpad, "How exciting! I mean outside of the House of Mouse this is the most high class place in town. And I never got invited to the House of Mouse either."

"Didn't that place get shut down for discrimination or something?" Betty asked.

"Yeah, not letting non-Disney Toons in was against the Toon Town constitution," said Launchpad, "But it was fun while it lasted I guess."

"It's too bad, we got a pretty decent TV show out of it at the time," Betty said as she walked down the red carpet.

The doors were guarded by an enormous man in a suit and tie, the perfect bouncer it seemed. He could have been fifteen feet tall. Betty had to crane her neck upward to see his head. There was a nametag on his shirt that read "Max".

"Um….excuse me. Sir?"

Max lurched down, and he picked Betty up in his hand, as she gave a small squeal.

"How does the kittle kitty go?" he demanded.

"Wh-what?" Betty replied meekly.  
"Do you have the password?" he asked in a low, rumbling voice.

"I uh….I'm a detective."

"Yeah, she's from the Real World," Launchpad added from below, "We're looking for a squirrel."

Betty tried to reach for her badge to show him, fishing it out of her coat, "S-see?"

"It's alright Max, go ahead and put her down," came a voice from behind.

He turned, and Red Hot Riding Hood was standing in the doorway. The red-headed bombshell looked as vivacious and glamorous as ever, wearing a revealing white dress and looking like a 1940's pin-up girl, always a bit more realistically proportioned than her friend Jessica Rabbit.

"Yes boss," Max said, placing Betty down.

Betty brushed herself off, "Red Hot Riding Hood I presume."

"And Betty Valiant," she replied, to Betty's surprise, "I heard you were in town."

"We were looking for you," said Launchpad.

"Yes, about the whereabouts of one of your close associates," said Betty.

"You must mean my dear friend Slappy. Yes, word spreads pretty quickly around Toon Town," Red replied, "I expected you to come by sooner or later. I suppose I'll start off by saying I don't know where she is. Look, my act cancelled tonight, so I'm going to be busy putting tonight's shows together and performing myself, but if you need to ask me some more questions, you can do it after closing time."

"Understood," Betty said, "Suppose I'll wait around until then."

"Jessica's around too," Red mentioned, opening the door for them, "I'm sure she's anxious to meet you after all this time."

"Well, I am too, but business first," she said, trying to toughen up inside.

"I do hope you enjoy the show darling," she said, going through the door.

"Well, she seems nice," said Launchpad.

"I'm not so sure she's not putting up some sort of act," said Betty, "Come along Launchpad, maybe someone in attendance will know something."

The two of them entered the café. It was still a bit early, so it wasn't too busy, but already there were different Toons sitting at the tables before a large stage, where for the moment a skunk doing a very good Frank Sinatra impression was performing before some bunny girls sitting near the stage, who were going absolutely crazy for him. She and Launchpad sat at a table nearby.

"I feel kinda under-dressed for this place," said Launchpad.

"Oh don't worry, it's Toon Town, half the citizens don't wear even clothes," said Betty.

Betty examined some papers in the napkin holder on the table, unfolding a flier. There was a schedule of the bands set to perform at the lounge that week. It was a Friday, so many of the concerts had already happened.

* * *

 **Monday, 7pm**

Jem and the Holograms and Josie and the Pussycats, on their "Please Forget About Our Awful Live Action Movies" Tour

 **Tuesday, 7pm**

Band Toon Night: The animated versions of The Beatles, New Kids on the Block and MC Hammer together on one night!

 **Wednesday, 7pm**

Back to the 80's: Alvin and the Chipmunks and The Chipettes opening for Powerline

 **Thursday, 7pm**

Ladies Night: Weekly entertainment from our divas Red Hot Riding Hood, Jessica Rabbit, Betty Boop.

 **Friday, 7pm**

Under the Sea with The Neptunes, featuring Jabberjaw, and Sebastian the crab

 **Saturday, 7pm**

Gorillaz

 **Sunday, 8pm**

Mini-Divas – Miss Kitty Mouse, Clarice Chipmunk and Tanya Mousekewitz (binoculars will be provided).

* * *

"Oh no, I'm going to miss Gorillaz," Betty sighed, "I love that band. Always wanted to see them live."

"What day's today again?" asked Launchpad.

"Friday. So I guess Jabberjaw cancelled. No big loss there. Suppose they got the Frank Sinatra skunk up there on short notice."

They could still hear the bunnies squealing and sighing "Oh Frankie!" in the background.

"We won't get anywhere just sitting here watching the shows anyway," said Betty, "As long as we're waiting we might as well be productive, and look for clues."

"How do we start looking for clues?" Launchpad asked.

"We'll mingle," Betty replied, casting her glance at the bar at the other side of the room.

"Eh, no thanks, I might be flying a plane later," said Launchpad.

"From what I remember about your flying, drinking might even help your piloting," Betty remarked, "You don't have to order anything, just try and make small talk."

The song ended and the curtains closed, presumably the next performer would be up soon. Betty got up and walked over to the bar, followed by Launchpad. They took a seat at a couple stools, between some other Toons. Betty looked to see if she recognized any of them.

"Huh. I think I know you," said Betty to a rather drunk-looking man with a five o'clock shadow and a lab coat, his head rectangular and his lines thick, "Professor Utonium? What are you doing in a place like this? Don't you have kids?"

"Do you have any (hic) idea how worrying it is, being the adoptive parent of three superhero girls," a drunken Professor Utonium grumbled to anyone within earshot, "Always (hic) endangering themselves for the betterment of others. And I'm left at home, just hoping they'll come back to me alive. (hic) This is the only thing that calms me down when they're out there fighting monsters."

Betty shrugged. The untold stories of many Toons could be found at the bars of Toon Town. Maybe there should be a show like E! True Toon Town Stories for things like this.

"Hey there pretty mama," came a voice from behind.

Betty turned around, seeing a muscular blond man sitting beside her wearing sunglasses.

"Johnny Bravo?" Betty asked with amusement.

"I see you've heard of me. You're real, I'm a Toon. We're like star-crossed lovers. How's about dippin' into the watercolors some time?" he said striking a pose.

"I don't really swing that way," she answered.

"Come on sexy inspector. How 'bout you inspect my gadget?"

"90's cartoons certainly got away with a lot didn't they?"

"Hey, you're pretty, I'm pretty, what do you say we go home and stare at each other?"

Betty took out the device she'd been given to help deal with computer animated and flash Toons.

"How about I let you inspect this gadget, and stuff you in the recycle bin until you've cooled down some, hm?"

"Uhhhh no thanks….I'll be around if ya need me then," said Johnny, getting off the stool and backing away.

"Wait, first, have you seen any elderly gray squirrels hanging around here?"

"You mean that sexy granny squirrel who comes in on Ladies Night? Hm, not sure I saw her here last night, wait, let me check," Johnny felt his scalp, "Nope, no bump on my head from a large mallet, she wasn't here last night."

"I see, well thank you," said Betty.

"Don't mention it pretty mama. Maybe you can pay me back with a date?"

"Um…no thanks," said Betty.

"When you change your mind, and I know you will, here's my number," he said, handing her a slip of paper with a number that had a (555) area code; incidentally this was Toon Town's area code, "Maybe I'll strike it lucky with Red or Jessica tonight."

"Jessica Rabbit is married, and I'm pretty sure Red's with Wolfie," said Betty.

"Women like them are pretty enough for two boyfriends," said Johnny, before zipping away to hit on someone else.

The bartender looked to be an older style Toon, a rotund little man who was busy grilling a hamburger. Launchpad and Betty sat there for some time before they were finally noticed by a mustached French chef who stormed out from the kitchen area chasing a crab and wielding a meat cleaver.

"Wimpy! Stealing hamburgers again! I will dock it from your pay! Don't you know we have customers you swine?"

"Oh, a customer. What can I get you miss?"

The crab fled back into the kitchen between the chef's legs, "Sacre bleu! Come out here and fight like a man!" the chef yelled, running back in.

"Well what have you got?" Betty asked, "I'm not too familiar with Toon drinks…though from what I've seen I'm not entirely sure they're safe to drink."

"Our specialties are Old Panther, Four Noses and Old Blockbuster," Wimpy explained, "Are you not a Toon, miss?"

"No, I'm not."

"Hm, most problematic, yes. I suppose any of these drinks might be fatal to you. They get most of our tenants shooting through the rafters."

"Maybe I'll order some food then," she said.

"Very well," he said, handing her a menu, "The hamburgers are simply divine. You may have to wait if you order the crab, however."

"I'll have a hamburger then, and some water."

"Excellent choice, madam," Wimpy said, as he went to open the door to the kitchen, "Two hamburgers and some water, please."

"Two?" Betty asked.

"I think he may be trying to rip you off," said Launchpad.

Wimpy came back with one hamburger, bringing it to betty on a plate and hiding the other behind his back, slyly applying mayonnaise and ketchup to it while facing Betty.

"I'm only going to pay for one burger," said Betty.

"Why I haven't the slightest clue what you mean, you only ordered one," Wimpy said, before getting ready to take a bite from the other burger. A meat cleaver whizzed past his face however, taking the burger with it and embedding it into the wall.

"Zat is eet! You're fired! Get out!" the chef screamed.

"Most unfortunate," said Wimpy, before another meat cleaver was hurled at him, and he ran out, but not before taking the two halves of the burger off the wall and eating them quickly.

"You know what, I think there's a little too much excitement here for me, maybe I'll go find a table," Betty said to Launchpad, "You can stay here and mingle, I'll see what I can find out in the audience."

"Sure thing Ms. V" said Launchpad.

"Get our spare bartender out here!" the chef yelled as he slammed the door to the kitchen.

Betty walked to a vacant table and had a seat, just as the curtains opened again. The crowd cheered as the spotlight turned on and revealed Red Hot Riding Hood, dressed in a skimpy 1940's-style dress. The band picked up, and she began singing her classic musical number "Oh Daddy". Betty watched as she ate. At the table next to her, Wolfie himself was staring on with his eyes popping out, periodically whistling, pounding on the table and howling. It was more than a little distracting. Betty knew that Red knew something. She was probably going to try to cover for Slappy. But, Betty would get the truth out somehow.

Meanwhile, the new bartender emerged from the kitchen, and approached Launchpad.

"What'll it be?" asked the female bartender in a New York accent.

"Oh eh…how about a root beer float? Do you do those?"

"Comin' right up," the bartender said, filling a cup at the tap, "Say mister, you here all alone?"

"Nah, I'm with Betty Valiant, a real worlder. She's sitting at that table over there getting ready to interview Red and Jessica when their performances are done. We're on a case, looking for this old squirrel who ran out on her contract."

"Ya don't say," the bartender replied, "Do you know what this squirrel looked like?"

"Well, she's got a big bushy tail…"

"Like this?" the bartender asked, brandishing her tail.

"Yeah yeah! Like that! And uh… green eyes…"

"Like these?" the bartender asked, cartoonishly pulling her eyes wide open.

"Yeah! Exactly! And um…hmm…usually wears a green hat with a flower on it…"

"Oh, like this one you mean?" the bartender replied, showing him her hat.

"Uh huh! Yep! You uh, haven't seen anyone around here like that, have you?"

"Nope, sorry, haven't seen anyone remotely like that around here," the bartender said, sliding the mug of root beer down the bar. The mug stopped at a little traffic light to let two small shot glasses slide by before continuing to slide to Launchpad, who grabbed it.

"Darn, I was hoping you knew something," Launchpad replied, drinking his root beer float.

The bartender gave an aside glance, "Sad, isn't it folks?"

Betty waited through the performance, knowing that soon enough, Jessica would be singing. How could one balance family with doing your job? She sighed, wishing she were drinking something a little stronger than water, and wishing she'd been able to meet her grandfather Eddie when he was alive. Maybe he would know what to do.


	6. Chapter 6

The lights dimmed as the song ended, and Launchpad made it back to the table Betty was sitting at.

"That Red sure is something, isn't she?" Launchpad remarked as he sat down, "Almost wish she were a duck."

"Any leads?" Betty asked.

"None whatsoever," Launchpad sighed, drinking his root beer float, "And I almost thought the bartender knew something too, but nah."

"It's okay, the real lead is Red. And Jessica. Problem is they'll probably be protecting Slappy. We'll have to keep our wits about us. Well, I will at least."

"So they're old friends of hers from the studio days, right?" Launchpad asked.

"Yes, going back to when Maroon Cartoons was still in business."

A dog-faced waiter approached the table with a mug of ale.

"For you miss," he said.

Betty raised an eyebrow, "I didn't order any other drinks…"

"A gift from one of our other patrons, dear," the waiter said, leaving it on the table.

Betty examined it. She was still a bit afraid of trying Toon alcoholic drinks.

"A Duff beer, ma'am, from Springfield, it should be safe for real worlders." The waiter said, as he walked away.

Betty cautiously lifted the mug, "Who sent this? It better not be Johnny Bravo again."

When she lifted it, a paper floated down to the table.

"What's that, Ms. V?" Launchpad asked, picking it up.

"Let me see it," she said, snatching it from him.

It was a note. Scrawled on it, Betty read "The squirrel is right under your noses, you blundering fools! Right at the bar!"

Betty looked to Launchpad, and showed him the note.

"It's a clue!" Launchpad said.

"I didn't see any squirrel sitting at the bar, did you?" Betty asked.

"No, but the bartender seemed to know a lot about them," said Launchpad.

"The fat guy?"

"No, that new one they brought in," said Launchpad.

Betty looked over, but there were too many people in the way to properly see the bartender.

"Wait a minute…is that the squirrel?" Launchpad asked.

Among the customers sitting at the bar, there was indeed a gray squirrel. Could it be?

"It is!" said Launchpad, taking out a net, "I got this one Miss V, don't move a muscle! They said she might be dangerous."

Betty noticed the squirrel wore something blue on its head. Something wasn't right.

"Wait, Launchpad!"

Launchpad charged at the bar, and Betty tried running after him. But he was too fast. Startling the other customers he quickly threw his net over the struggling squirrel.

"Haha! I got 'er Miss V!"

Betty walked over, and Launchpad reached into the net, taking the squirrel out by the tail.

"Hey, what's the big idea?!" the squirrel yelled out.

The squirrel wore blue pilot goggles on his head, and seemed to be male. Betty recognized him.

"Launchpad, put him down. That's not Slappy, it's Rocky."

"Rocky? Who?" Launchpad was puzzled, but he put Rocky down, just as Bullwinkle the moose came back from the bathrooms.

"What's going on here?" asked Bullwinkle.

"Sorry, just a case of mistaken identity," said Betty, "We're looking for a Slappy Squirrel."

"Any reason you wanna throw a net over her like that?" Rocky asked accusingly.

"She's a wanted toon," Betty answered, "And evidently, someone told us we'd find her at this bar…"

"Well I know Slappy," said Rocky, "I'm not sure what trouble she's gotten herself into now, but she usually shows up at the Squirrels of Toon Town Association meetings."

"So the squirrels of Toon Town have little meetings? That might be useful," said Betty.

"If she's keeping a low profile she's probably not going to show up," said Rocky, "Hm. That's a relief, finally a normal meeting where something doesn't blow up. I guess you can come and ask around."

"I'll do that," said Betty, "It was nice talking to you."

"Sure, you too," said Rocky, as Betty walked back to the table with the mysterious note. She looked back once at the counter. The bartender didn't seem to be at the counter.

"Sorry about that Miss V." said Launchpad, "Wrong gray squirrel."

"It happens," said Betty, sitting down, "What I want to know is who this note is from."

"Maybe whoever sent that note was an enemy of Rocky's." Launchpad suggested.

"It could be," Betty said, looking around to see if she could find the spies Boris and Natasha in attendance anywhere, "But Slappy has a long list of enemies, more than what was listed in her profile. Even Rocky seemed willing to cooperate. It could have come from a lot of people. You think Slappy could be here at the club somewhere?"

"I don't know Ms. V," said Launchpad, "But I guess we would have seen her by now."

"Even if she isn't, maybe some of her enemies are," Betty said.

"If we can't get her friends to cooperate, maybe we ought to look for some of her enemies next," Launchpad suggested.

"Nice, you're finally thinking," Betty said, "That's just what I had planned."

"Right," said Launchpad, "Bonkers couldn't be the only one she's miffed over the years. They'll tell us what they know, piece of cake, eh Ms. V?"

"Let's hope so," she replied, as a piano started up again behind the curtains.

The curtains opened, and the familiar silhouette of Jessica Rabbit came into full view. Singing a low, sultry show tune, the crowd came into a hush, the men all fixated on her exaggerated feminine figure. Ageless in her beauty, she looked not a bit different from how she'd looked in the 1940's, an idealized woman, not bad but just drawn that way. It was all Betty could do upon seeing her to bottle up her emotions and focus on the task at hand.

The waiter came back with another root beer float for Launchpad, "Another gift from your benefactor."

"Oh boy!" Launchpad said, taking it and gulping it down, as another note floated down to the table. Betty snatched it, and read the note.

It read: "Slappy Squirrel IS in this very building!"

"Who's sending these?" Betty demanded.

The waiter motioned toward a table at the far end of the room. An elderly-looking wolf sat at the table, staring them down.

"Walter Wolf," Betty exclaimed, "Come on Launchpad, we're moving."

As the song went on, Betty grabbed Launchpad's hand and they moved to the table where the curmudgeonly wolf sat.

"Walter Wolf I presume?" Betty asked, "I understand you've been sending me these notes."

"I see my reputation precedes me," he said, "Sit down."

They were seated.

"I know about the case," he began, "Nothing would delight me more than seeing that pesky squirrel schmuck turned into a CG baby so she could never hound me again!"

"Then where is she?" Betty asked.

"She was tending the bar until your idiotic friend mistook Rocky for her. Unfortunately she's a master of disguise…so many different hats and jackets in her arsenal, you'd never know her!"

"Hmm yes, the old wearing a different outfit trick, gets them every time," Betty remarked, "Luckily that won't work so well on someone from the real world. What else can you tell me about her whereabouts?"

"Ever since I heard she was a wanted squirrel, I've been looking into her old haunts," said Walter, "I saw her come in here with her nephew a few hours ago. And earlier, I tell you she was at that bar."

They looked to the bar, which was now being tended by a large man with a mustache standing in front of an erotic painting of a woman and blocking the view; someone from an old MGM cartoon Betty remembered seeing once.

"And now because of your bumbling sidekick, she's onto you," Walter continued, "You've lost the element of surprise, she knows what you too look like. You may never catch her now, not unless you're smart about it."

"Hey, I resemble that remark," Launchpad retorted, "I'm more of a bumbling…paid employee. Yeah."

"Whatever. The point is, if you want to capture her, you're going to have to outsmart her. You have to think like a Toon. You're on her home turf now. Think about every cartoon you've seen. She knows all the old slapstick tricks; don't fall for her corny 70 year old gags."

A waiter approached the table.

"A gift from one of our patrons, Mr. Wolf," he said, placing what was apparently a red, lit stick of dynamite in a hot dog bun on the table.

"Oh, how gracious! I wonder who it could be from?"

Betty gasped and jumped down to the ground as Walter bit into the "hot dog" and it exploded, sending him careening through the ceiling, leaving a hole shaped exactly like his body. Despite this commotion, Jessica kept singing as if this were a regular occurrence. In fact as Betty inspected the ceiling she could see signs of other such holes shaped like cartoon characters, which had been boarded up and hastily painted over. She got up, sitting back in her seat.

"There goes our lead," said Launchpad, "Want me to fly up there and see if he landed in a cloud or something?"

"I think he told us all he knows," said Betty, "She's here, for sure. We need to stay here, and keep our eyes open."

Betty looked around, thinking about what Walter had said. She needed to think like a Toon. What would Slappy do?

As she scanned the room, Betty's eyes spotted a swinging door at the side of the stage, which led to the backstage area. A perfect place to hide in a club like this if you were in league with the club owners. She got to her feet.

"Where are we going?" Launchpad asked, getting to his feet and following her.

"Just come with me," she said, "And make sure I don't get smashed by any anvils."

Betty entered the door, which led into a long hallway decorated with posters from high profile concerts that had played at the club in the past like The Beets. And there she saw the two squirrels leisurely strolling down the hallway.

" _Don't fall for her corny 70 year old gags_ he says," Slappy laughed, "And what's he do? Fall for the old dynamite hot dog trick."

"That was great," Skippy chuckled.

"Freeze!" Betty yelled out.

Slappy turned around, "Uh oh, company. Let's scram kid."

Betty darted after them, and they ran. They turned a corner, and Betty followed after them, Launchpad taking out his net. She saw them sprint through an open door that led outside into an alleyway. Betty ran toward it…and ended up smashing face-first into what turned out to be a painting on the wall, falling backward.

Betty held her bleeding nose, looking up at the painting, baffled. Another corny 70 year old gag.

"You okay Ms. V?" Launchpad asked.

"You know only the bad guy in a cartoon smashes into the painted tunnel," came a voice from behind.

They turned, seeing Jessica Rabbit come through the door, having evidently finished her song.

"Hello Jessica," Betty muttered, getting to her feet, sniffing and wiping her nose.

"You probably expect me to scold you for taking this case," Jessica said, walking over to her, "Tell you how it's wrong of you to force one of my good friends into this humiliating contract obligation. But, well, I was hoping this little wall paint gag might be a wake-up call instead."

"Morality isn't so black and white in the real world," Betty replied, "If I don't take this case, what little career aspirations I have will go out the window. I didn't want this, Jessica. I didn't want to be another cog in the corporate system. I wanted to be a police officer and help people. But…this is all I have now."

"So be it," Jessica said with a shrug, "But I was hoping that if the painting gag didn't show you that you're on the wrong side of this, the insurmountable challenge of it would. Going up against Slappy is just like the Coyote versus the Roadrunner. You're not going to catch her. The villains never win in Toon Town. You should know that."

"I can't win this on her terms, by madly chasing after her, but if I do this by the book, the human way, I think I stand a better chance."

"Think what you will," Jessica said, "Listen honey, I have a couple more songs to perform, but if you have to go on this wild squirrel chase, the real door's that way, and Slappy's ready for you. If you've changed your mind though, you can wait around until after the show and I'll take you home to see Roger. We'll think of something to help you save your career. It's been so long since we've seen you, dear."

"As much as I miss you and Roger, I'm afraid that reunion is going to have to wait," said Betty, "I would however like any information on Slappy that might be helpful in apprehending her."

"I'm not going to give you anything like that," Jessica said, frowning, "We've been friends since we worked at Maroon Cartoons together, I'll never betray her or her darling nephew. Neither will Red. And that show they want her to star in sounds absolutely horrible. She's taking a stand for Toons everywhere by bailing on her contract. Toon Town's a big place now, and she has a lot of friends in it. Happy hunting, Wile E. Coyote."

With these stinging words, Jessica turned and headed back to the stage.

"So we're going then?" Launchpad asked.

"Yes, come on Launchpad," Betty replied, taking a handkerchief to her bleeding nose, "It's useless to chase her now, what we need is to trap her somehow. We need to come up with a plan. We'll tell the Toon Patrol she was here so they can keep the place under watch in case she comes back, and then we'll find out who else is helping her."

She walked toward the real door, with Launchpad behind her. She felt that she'd become the villain. Perhaps she had. But there was no going back.

Meanwhile, Red stopped Jessica as she headed back to the stage.

"Did she listen to you?" Red asked.

Jessica shook her head, "She didn't. But I have to have faith that she'll come around. Just like Eddie did. She's got too much of the real world in her. She's let it make her hard."

"Poor girl," said Red, "And Slappy's gone?"

"For now," Jessica replied, "Luckily she's got everything arranged."

With that Jessica walked back onto the stage to applause, ready to perform her next number. It was just another night at the Wild Take Lounge.


	7. Chapter 7

**7**

It was after dark in Toon Town, yet Betty, determined not to lose Slappy, was still searching for clues, hours later.

"It's late," said Launchpad, "We ought to rest up for tomorrow."

"And give Slappy all night to escape to who knows where in the Toon universe?" Betty replied irritably as she walked down the street from the Wild Take Lounge.

The trail had dried up, though she thought she'd found some tufts of squirrel fur a few meters back on the sidewalk.

"We've already lost her," said Launchpad, "But she's got to be staying with someone. And one of those squirrels at the meeting might know something."

She sighed, "You're probably right. Suppose we should just check into a hotel for the night and go to that meeting tomorrow."

"Been a while since I was in a hotel. I wonder if they still puts little mints on your pillow."

"Come on," she said, walking back toward downtown.

Downtown there was a large building called "Granny's Joint", topped off with a bright neon sign that read "Come up and see me sometime". Seemed as good a place as any. Betty walked in to the front desk.

"Just a cheap room for two for the night please," she said.

The worker, a female pig who looked to have been perhaps one of Porky Pig's old flames, nodded and fetched a key.

"Huh, a human and a duck…I'm not one to judge."

"Don't get the wrong idea," Betty said irritably as she took the key, handing over the proper amount of cartoon cash. This had all gone over Launchpad's head, of course.

They headed up the stairs to their room. Launchpad thought perhaps he would make some small talk as they walked into the undersized room.

"So uh, did you enjoy seeing Jessica Rabbit again?" he asked.

" _No_ I did not," she replied, "Were you conscious at all for that conversation? I'm betraying her by going forward with this case. And yet…what can I do?"

"I'm sure she'll forgive you. I mean like you said, what's so bad about being turned CG anyways? Heck, it might even happen to me one day."

"Think so?" Betty asked.

"They're rebooting Duck Tales soon ya know. Though I haven't gotten any invitations to the studio yet."

"Really...huh, news to me." Betty said as she reached the door, "They're not going to ruin it are they?"

"It's supposed to still be 2D, of course, not ink and paint though."

"At least you'll be impervious to Dip," she said, taking her coat off and hanging it up in the closet.

"If I'm in it," said Launchpad, "Donald Duck's gonna be in it a lot more, so I don't know if they'll need me bumbling around and crashing things."

Betty sat on one of the beds, "Anyone who watched the original show will want you to come back. You were my favorite on it."

"Was I?" Launchpad asked, smiling.

"Yep. All the kids like the funny one."

Launchpad sighed, sitting on his bed, "I guess that's nice. Look, I'm sorry I screwed things up tonight, bagging the wrong squirrel."

Betty shrugged, "An honest mistake. There aren't too many different gray cartoon squirrels I can think of. And Rocky always sounded like a woman too."

"It's probably going to happen a lot working with me," said Launchpad, "Me screwing up I mean."

"I'll manage…" Betty could tell Launchpad was feeling a bit down, "Look, you can't help who you are. You're clumsy, but you keep smiling. It worked for Goofy. Even if Donald's going to be a big part on that new Duck Tales show he can't replace you, his humor is too different."

"Aw shucks, thanks Betty. Even though I'm always smiling, doesn't mean I always am on the inside though."

"Toons have the same emotions as anybody," said Betty, laying back.

"Yeah," Launchpad said, "But being a Toon's got to be easier than being a real human."

"Being a human in the real world stinks," she said, "There's not always a happy ending, and sometimes the bad guys do win."

"Yeah, the rules of physics are against it here," he said.

Betty thought back to when she was chasing Slappy. She slammed into that painting, while Slappy walked through. That made Betty the villain. Was this whole chase pointless then? As long as Toon Town considered her the bad guy, she would never win.

"What exactly happened to you anyway?" Launchpad asked, "What got you kicked out of the academy?"

Betty's spirit darkened as she thought of it again.

"It was the shotgun test," she said, "I failed it. Well…no, not exactly…I didn't even show up for it."

"Why not?" Launchpad asked.

"Oh it wasn't just that. It was just so much pressure. Everyone was big and strong, everyone seemed to be perfect at everything, and I was just a big screw-up. The instructors were always yelling at me. This…this one time I was rushing to get there on time and I couldn't find my hat anywhere. I ended up having to go there without it…and I got chewed out in front of the class."

"Reminds me of flight school," Launchpad remarked.

"The pressure just kept building and building, I felt like nobody believed in me. Then came the shotgun test. We'd been practicing for it but they were just so heavy, I couldn't keep holding it up. And the first time I shot one, the kick sent me falling on my butt because I didn't position myself right. Everyone was laughing at me. So on the morning of the test, instead of driving to the shooting range I just…I couldn't do it. Instead I turned onto the highway, drove out to the Santa Monica mountains, parked the car and cried. My phone was ringing off the hook but I didn't answer. Probably my instructor, or the other students. I don't know. I knew right then I'd never be a cop. So…I never went back to the police academy. I dropped out."

Betty wiped her eyes and sighed.

"You just gave up?" Launchpad asked.

Betty nodded, "And before you start breaking out into some kind of 'never give up on your dreams' song and dance pep-talk number, just don't. Like I said before, the real world isn't like Toon Town. Some people are cut out for law enforcement…and some people aren't."

Being a Toon, and a Disney one, Launchpad instinctively wanted to do something like that, but he refrained.

"Well…maybe being a private eye won't turn out to be so bad," he said, trying to at least encourage her somewhat.

"It will if I don't capture Slappy," Betty said turning over on the bed, "Anyway, enough chit chat. I'm going to sleep."

"Alright then," Launchpad said with a shrug. He still didn't really get humans. But hearing her tragic story, and knowing that she favored him as a kid, made him all the more determined to help her capture that squirrel. Even if it wasn't the nicest thing to do, he felt he needed to help Betty.

* * *

In the morning, Betty and Launchpad returned to the Toon patrol headquarters, to debrief them on their progress, or lack thereof. The robotic cop at the desk immediately summoned Bonkers upon their entrance.

"So was she at the club last night?" Bonkers asked, evidently not having heard what had happened.

"She was, but she got away. I kept tracking her until it got dark. And neither Jessica Rabbit nor Red were of much help. If they know where she is they're not telling."

"Well your boss called in this morning with a solution to that," said Bonkers, "See in cases like this where no one seems willing to help find a fugitive, it's normal to put up an award."

He handed Betty a stack of papers that read "Wanted: Slappy and Skippy Squirrel. $10,000 Reward".

"She's worth that much is she?" Betty said, "They must _really_ believe in their CG baby reboot."

"Now all but her very best friends will be much more cooperative," said Bonkers.

"That's useful. Launchpad and I were going to go to a squirrel meeting today to see if we could find any clues there, apparently Slappy is a longtime member."

"Good, take those wanted posters with you to the squirrel meeting. Surely someone there will have it out for her."

Betty grinned and nodded, "Okay Launchpad, let's get going."

They turned and left, Bonkers watching as they went, "Soon Slappy. Soon. Heh heh heh…"

* * *

Betty stepped out of the taxi with Launchpad in front of the Toontown Squirrel Society building in downtown, which was built into an enormous tree with doors and windows carved into it.

"You think they'll allow us in?" Launchpad asked.

"I do have a search warrant," said Betty as they approached the entrance.

The inside was a bit cramped for them, since the average cartoon squirrel was at most as high as Betty's kneecap. After walking down a hallway with their heads knelt down they came to a double door, behind which there was a conference room. The meeting was to begin soon, and already there were an assortment of Toon squirrels seated in front of a podium, some 2D and some CG.

"Oh, detective Betty Valiant," came the familiar voice of Rocky from the podium, "I'm guessing you have an announcement with regards to Slappy."

"Indeed I do," she said.

"Please be seated, we'll let you say your peace at the beginning of the meeting so you don't have to sit through the whole thing, I know you're probably busy."

Betty nodded, as she and Launchpad took a seat in the front row, between a red-furred CG squirrel who was eating from what looked to be a bag of cheese puffs, and a female squirrel in a purple skirt and bikini top, who Betty recognized from Spongebob Squarepants; a show she hadn't watched much of and found kind of annoying, but knew at least something about. As they waited, more squirrels filtered in, until there were about twenty of them. Betty felt like the elephant in the room.

"Alright squirrels, I'm glad you could all be here today. As always, we start our meeting off with a ceremonial acorn as I take attendance."

Betty watched as the first squirrel walked up toward the stage and took an acorn from the basket, a red-haired squirrel named Tammy. Betty took note of all their names as Rocky announced them while checking off the attendance sheet, hoping to retain at least a few. It went down the list until it got to Betty.

"Why don't you and Launchpad go ahead and take one too," said Rocky.

Not wanting to offend, the duo got up and walked to the front, taking an acorn before being seated again.

"Um…how am I supposed to eat this without any teeth?" Launchpad asked as he bit down on it with his beak, letting out a cry of pain when a loud crunch was heard.

"Just put it in your pocket or something," Betty whispered as she tried to bite down on it with her molars, but it was too hard. The rest of the squirrels were chittering away on their acorns.

"We have some special guests with us today as you've no doubt noticed," said Rocky, "Betty Valiant and Launchpad McQuack, come on up to the podium."

The room stayed silent, but many of the squirrels' ears twitched at the name 'Valiant'. They made their way back to the stage, and Rocky stepped aside. The podium only went up to Betty's hips.

"Greetings everyone. I know it's a little weird having a human from the real world at your meeting, but I'll be out of your fur as soon as I make this announcement and maybe get a little information."

"We know why you're here," said a red-furred squirrel in a blue vest, "You want us to betray one of our own!"

"Quiet down Waggs," said Rocky, "Let her finish."

"Okay then," said Betty, feeling uncomfortable, "I guess some of you already know that Slappy Squirrel is wanted by the Toon Patrol. Since she's proving illusive, a bounty has been put on her and her nephew Skippy."

Betty took one of the wanted sheets and attached it to the chalkboard behind her with a clip.

"What'd she do, kill someone?" asked a bright green squirrel, Nutty.

"She ran out on her contract," Betty explained.

"Word on the street is they wanted to turn her computer animated," said an elderly squirrel who looked to be from a 1930's cartoon, "Goes against her principles."

"And what's wrong with being CG?" asked the squirrel Betty had been sitting next to before.

Scrat, the prehistoric squirrel from the movie Ice Age and only other computer animated Toon at the meeting, only shrugged and continued nibbling his acorn.

"It's just not for everyone, Hammy," said Waggs, "Besides, we squirrels should stick together in unity against these greedy humans."

"Dios mio, he was in one five minute scene in a movie that bombed and he thinks he's our leader," grumbled a Mexican squirrel, Tico from Dora the Explorer.

"Wanna say that to my face?" Waggs brandished his fists.

"Let's not get physical, stay on topic," said Betty, "The point is, yes she ran out on her contract with Warner Bros., and I was hired to find her. But if any of you help me, well, ten thousand dollars could buy you a lot of acorns."

Scrat's mouth began to water, as did some of the other squirrels.

"It's no secret that Slappy has a few screws loose," said a detective squirrel wearing a purple hat and gray trench coat who Betty readily recognized as Secret Squirrel, "Need I remind us all of the time she had a nervous breakdown and her nephew was taken away by child protective services; she was never actually cleared to leave the mental hospital. She just left."

"You sound like you've done your research," said Betty.

"I have. My concern here is that she might even be endangering Skippy; she's obviously very stressed out, and we all know how she can get under these kinds of conditions."

"Reckless," said Tammy, looking up at the ceiling with its boarded up patches caused mainly by bombing incidents from Slappy.

"Well if anyone knows anything, you could either come forward now, or give me a tip after the meeting. We'll keep it anonymous. Launchpad and I can wait outside."

There was silence; perhaps no one wanted to come forward in front of the other squirrels and be labeled a traitor by Waggs or anyone else. Rocky finally chimed in, eager to wrap up Betty's segment of the meeting.

"I know there are divided opinions on Slappy here, or even on whether the laws she's breaking are just, but that's for us to discuss outside of this meeting. Whether or not you want to help Betty capture Slappy is up to you personally."

Betty nodded, "We'll be in the hallway."

With that she and Launchpad left among the murmurs of the squirrels in the room.

"Did that go well?" Launchpad asked.

"Not especially, although I feel like Secret Squirrel somehow knows something."

"Maybe he's been following the case himself," Launchpad suggested.

"Or maybe ten thousand dollars was enough to sway him. Give these squirrels some time to think about how much money that is; I'm sure they'll come around eventually."

The two of them found a couple chairs in the hallway and were seated. There were rows of portraits up and down the wooden hallway; the one right in front of them was of none other than Screwy Squirrel, complete with the years of his birth and death. She stared at it and pondered. Slappy must have had to walk by that portrait every time she came here. Maybe that's why she was known for misbehaving at the meetings.

"So I know Toons don't 'die' per se, unless sprayed with Dip or deleted, but what happens to a Toon who dies another way?"

"Oh, well they can become ghosts, or either go to Toon Heaven or uh…the other place," Launchpad answered.

"Toon Hell?" Betty asked.

"We usually call it Heck, or Hades," Launchpad said.

"Ah, I see," Betty said with a small chuckle, "So, kind of like that Tom and Jerry cartoon where Tom dies and goes on a big escalator to heaven. Then they hand you a halo, harp and wings?"

"That's one way it can happen," said Launchpad, "The Toon afterlife is almost as big and varied as Toon Town itself Ms. V. Not that I know firsthand."

"I wonder where Screwy is now then," she remarked.

"Beats me," said Launchpad.

It was about another half hour before squirrels began filing out of the room. Some of them cast a dirty look at Betty, others ignored her. But as Secret Squirrel walked by, a paper slipped out from his trenchcoat.

"Excuse me, I think you dropped something Ms. Valiant," Secret Squirrel said discreetly, before hurrying on his way.

Betty picked it up and unfolded it.

'Toon Town library. 2 o'clock'

"I think he wants to collaborate," Betty said with a grin, "Finally we're getting somewhere."


	8. Chapter 8

**8**

The Toon Town Library was a large building that seemed even larger on the inside. Things like that had stopped surprising Betty by now. It seemed like just the kind of place from those old cartoons where the characters from the books come alive at night and do some kind of musical number or get into a war. But it went on forever; Betty couldn't even see the other end of the building. It was about ten minutes to two. Secret Squirrel was supposed to be here.

"I like books, but they kinda hurt my head sometimes," said Launchpad, "Too many words in 'em and stuff."

"Shh!" the librarian hushed, not bothering to look up from her book.

Betty thought she recognized her, and walked up to the desk. Her name tag confirmed it; her name was Belle. Betty couldn't imagine someone as well off as a Disney princess needing a low paying librarian job, but knowing Belle, perhaps she did the job voluntarily.

"Excuse me, I was told to meet someone here," Betty whispered.

Belle looked up from her book, "There are some tables over that way; just be quiet."

Betty nodded, and walked over to the tables, Launchpad tip-toeing behind her. Betty had a seat, and waited. She didn't know why Secret Squirrel wanted to meet her in a place where they couldn't be too loud.

"Mind if I look around for a book to read while we wait?" Launchpad asked.

"Go ahead," said Betty, as she picked up a nearby newspaper on the table and opened it up.

Launchpad walked over to a nearby book shelf, searching for anything with a lot of pictures. When he pulled a book out, he saw two yellow eyes peering at him from the darknes between the books. He screamed and stumbled back, falling down and garnering a harsh "SHHH!" from Belle.

"Agent 000 of the International Sneaky Service, Secret Squirrel, at your service," said Secret Squirrel, as he climbed out from the impossibly small gap between the books.

"And his assistant, Morocco Mole," came a voice with a deep Moroccan accent from the book drop-off bin, as Morocco Mole climbed out.

Secret Squirrel hopped down to the ground as Launchpad got back to his feet.

"So, I take it you may have some information on Slappy Squirrel's whereabouts?" Betty presumed.

"Precisely," Secret said, "Only out of concern for her young nephew; however much I may understand _why_ she wouldn't want to be part of this Animaniacs revival."

"What is your relationship with Slappy Squirrel?" Betty asked.

"Besides all the times she's replaced the gadgets in my trench coat with bombs, not much of one."

"Not to mention all ze times she told me I looked like a very young Yogi Bear," Morocco chimed in.

"Is that a bad thing?" Betty asked.

"We moles are few in Toon Town, but proud," Morocco replied, "We don't like being called bears."

"Huh," Betty thought for a moment, but couldn't remember any other mole cartoon characters off the top of her head. She was sure there were others though, "I just wanted to clarify whether you two were friends or foes of hers."

"I wouldn't call myself a foe per se," said Secret, in a hushed tone, looking around for any eavesdroppers, "Let me explain. I overheard something my attorney Harvey Birdman said to his secretary concerning Slappy's case."

"Oh?" Betty raised her eyebrows.

"Yes. It seems as though she's been to see him. And he's looking for a way to get her out of her Warner Bros. contract."

"Really…" Betty wasn't sure it was possible, "Do you know if he has a strong case?"

"I was just following him to this very library, where he checked out some books on Toon copyright law. Seems he might be building his case on the fact that she wasn't used in anything between the time Warner bought out Maroon Cartoon Studios and the premier of Animaniacs."

"So he thinks they may have lost her trademark in that time," Betty said.

"When that happens at Disney they just make a sequel, or change the law themselves," Launchpad mused.

"Well, best of luck to Birdman, he's going to need it against Warner Bros.' lawyers," said Betty, "So why are you telling me all of this?"

"Because, I think you should find her before things get out of hand," said Secret, "If she may be able to get out of her contract anyway."

"I wonder what this means for Skippy," said Betty, "The same thing wouldn't work for him."

"We'll just have to see I guess," said Secret.

"Did you have any leads as to where she may be?"

"I do actually," he said, opening his trench coat. Betty looked away for a moment, before realizing he was wearing boxers.

"Heh, court ordered…I was accused of flashing a few years back," Secret said bashfully, before taking a gizmo out of his picket, "Here it is, the Squirrel Hunter 5000 Turbo. Let me just enter what we're looking for; a female, elderly grey squirrel."

A red arrow came out of the device, then another, and soon there were about six arrows all pointing in different directions.

"Ah come on! I was just getting the hang of this thing," Secret said with agitation, shaking it and hitting it. More arrows shot out of it. He sighed and tossed it over his shoulder, "Nevermind; there was something else I wanted to show you."

"Yes?" Betty asked.

"Let me have a look at Slappy's Case File for a moment, please."

Betty reached into her briefcase and took a folder out, which contained the case file. Secret thumbed through it.

"Aha. Just as I suspected."

"What's just as you suspected?" Betty asked, wondering if Secret Squirrel was really going to be of any help at all at this point.

"Her friends and acquaintances list. It's a bit out of date."

"Is it now?"

Slappy nodded, "I just so happened to have recently learned of another odd friendship she has, by watching an online interview she did with a certain internet critic who reviews nostalgic films and cartoons."

Betty wondered why she'd never seen this interview. She was skeptical.

"Can we even get the Internet here?" Betty asked.

"The Real World Internet is restricted in Toon Town, but detectives like you and I can get clearance," said Secret Squirrel, "We'll just have to ask the librarian."

"Why is the Internet so hard to access in Toon Town?" Betty asked.

"Um, well, a casual unfiltered Google Image search on any given cartoon character ought to answer that question."

"Aha, it's because of fan art," she said with a smirk.

"Well, that and bad fan fiction." Secret said with an aside glance, "The Toon world does have its own Internet though, with everything under the .toon domain. This particular video is on YouTube though."

"What's wrong with fan art?" Launchpad asked.

"Not all of it is bad," Betty answered, "But…just don't ever look up fan art of yourself, unless you have safe search turned on. We wouldn't want you having some sort of existential crisis. You're way too innocent for that."

"Er, okay," Launchpad said, scratching his head.

Betty got up and walking toward the front desk with Secret Squirrel.

Belle peered over the top of her book, "Yes?"

"We want to use a computer with Internet access," said Betty, flashing her identification, "I'm a private investigator."

"Well, alright," she said, placing a bookmark in her book and sitting it down, "We have a computer from the Real World in back."

Belle led them behind the desk, and through a door into the office. In a cubicle at the back of the room was a live action computer. The computer was about ten years old or so, with a large monitor. But, it worked.

"You still need to be quiet back here," said Belle, "If you're watching a video, watch it with the headphones."

"Okay, I will," said Betty.

Betty sat at the computer and put the large headphones over her ears, and Secret took them to YouTube. Secret typed "Nostalgia Critic Animaniacs Tribute" into the search bar. Betty gave a look of surprise at the result; it seemed the online critic had scored interviews with the cast and crew of the show.

"Right, it's a long video, but Slappy comes in toward the end," said Secret, "Go to around the 55 minute mark."

Betty nodded and skipped through the video until she saw Slappy, and started from the beginning of her interview. Slappy was ranting that cartoon characters these days were all hacks. Betty was unsurprised by this.

"When was the last time the Family Guy got hit in the head with a mallet? Ya ain't gonna see it." Slappy said bitterly in the interview, making Betty chuckle.

Slappy went on, giving the Nostalgia Critic inside dirt on Judy Jetson, Olive Oyl and Woody Woodpecker. But when asked about what she thought of more modern characters, the conversation took an unexpected turn, toward one Spongebob Squarepants. Betty listened closely as Slappy revealed Spongebob was actually one of her biggest admirers, that he would camp out on her lawn and was a borderline stalker, albeit a charming one. Betty didn't think Slappy hung out with any cartoon character created after 1950, but, it seemed she kept more friends in stranger places than anyone knew.

"There you have it," said Secret Squirrel.

"You think she's with Spongebob?" Betty asked.

"I don't know if you knew this, but a certain young girl at the squirrel meeting earlier is a very close friend of this 'Spongebob'. The one with the bikini top. Her name is Sandy, Sandy Cheeks. She seemed very uncomfortable during your speech."

"Right, I remember seeing her," Betty said, stopping the video and taking the headphones off, "Any idea where she lives?"

"Under the sea, unfortunately," Secret Squirrel said, "You're going to need a submarine."

"A submarine?" Launchpad groaned, "When do I finally get to fly my plane?"

"You can fly us to the shore," said Betty, taking the headphones off and standing up, "Thanks for this, Secret Squirrel. I guess you'll be rewarded handsomely when this is all done."

While she wasn't looking, curiosity got the better of Launchpad, and he had a seat at the computer.

"My only reward will be having that young boy safe," said Secret, "Off the record, I'm pulling for Harvey Birdman to get Slappy out of that contract too. If she gets turned CG I'm afraid she'll finally crack. She's at the edge of madness as it is. But Harvey Birdman has gotten Morocco and I out of tight spots before; if anyone in Toon Town can do it he can."

"I may have to pay him a visit later," said Betty, "But for now I'll try to track down Sandy Cheeks, and see if she has Slappy and Skippy with her."

"I'll let you know if I have anything more to report, Miss Valiant," said Secret Squirrel.

"Wait, why am I a human in this picture?" Launchpad asked, his eyes wide, "And why am I a female in this one?!"

"Launchpad! I told you not to do that!" Betty exclaimed.

"SHHH!" Belle hushed loudly, "One more outburst and I'll have to kick you out."

"Sorry Belle, but I mean look at this stuff," said Launchpad.

Belle walked in, looking at the pictures on the monitor, "What on Earth?"

"See, let's type your name in," said Launchpad.

"No, let's not," said Betty, not liking the idea of scarring the minds of her favorite childhood characters, "Let's get going."

Belle was already scrolling through pictures of herself in the image results, "Aw, these fan arts are actually kind of pretty. Look at that real world human dressed as me, hehe. Wait…what? Why are mine and Adam's genders reversed in that one? And what…"

Betty pulled Launchpad out of the chair and exited out from the browser before things got too disturbing, "Thanks for letting us use the computer, we're going to get going now."

"Alright," Belle said, still looking at the computer with a newfound curiosity, "Say, are there ways to read books on that thing?"

"Well there are ebooks. And fan fiction."

"I think I'm due for a lunch break," Belle said, sitting down.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," said Betty, looking back at Secret Squirrel, "I'll see you later."

"Sure thing, Ms. Valiant," Secret Squirrel said, tipping his hat to her before he and Morocco opened a file cabinet and disappeared into it not wanting to draw more attention to himself. Now all that was left to do for Betty was find the right beach, and go under the ocean.


End file.
